As Explained by Cleo
Have you ever watched NCIS and seen Gibbs’ rules?
Well, apparently our cats have rules too.
And unlike Gibbs, they enforce them loudly.
Rule #1: The house belongs to the cats.
- When any rule is in doubt, refer to this rule.
- We are not homeowners. We are support staff with a mortgage.
Rule #2: Closed doors that are not made of glass are prohibited.
The cats do not believe in privacy.
Violations will immediately result in one or more of the following:
- Pumpkin or Pie screaming dramatically from opposite sides of the door.
- Tiny murder mittens pawing at or under the door.
- Figaro suddenly deciding he urgently needs to be on the other side of the door.
Once the door is opened, however, Figaro will often forget why he wanted through it in the first place.
Rule #3: Closed doors made of glass are also prohibited.
The transparency does not improve the situation.
- Figaro finds glass barriers emotionally devastating.
- Sliding glass doors and shower doors are considered deeply offensive.
- Mournful crying will continue until the barrier is removed.
You have been warned.
Rule #4: If it might be food, it will be investigated.
Bug takes food safety very seriously.
- He always knows when someone is eating.
- He always knows where the food is located.
- He would like to formally inspect your ice cream.
This inspection is not optional.
Rule #5: Electronics may not be used when a cat requires attention.
Cats believe screens exist solely to interfere with petting.
- Cat paws work surprisingly well on touchscreens.
- Laptops become significantly less functional with a cat standing on the keyboard.
- Failure to provide adequate attention may result in hand swipes, aggressive headbutts, or a cat physically inserting themselves between you and the screen.
Rule #6: Mom and Dad must be chaperoned at all times.
The cats believe unsupervised human interaction is suspicious.
- Romeo will position himself directly between Mom and Dad on the couch.
- Callie lies across Dad’s chest at bedtime to prevent unauthorized rolling toward Mom.
- Comet immediately claims his “prince pillow” beside Mom and pins at least one arm in place to restrict movement.
The chaperone policy is strictly enforced.
Rule #7: Sleeping cats may not be moved.
If a cat chooses you as a bed, you are legally required to remain in place until further notice.
- Shifting position is strongly discouraged.
- Disturbing the cat may result in judgment, complaints, or immediate abandonment.
- “Purralysis” can only be cured when the cat decides the cuddle session has concluded.
Human discomfort is not considered relevant.
Rule #8: “Kitty glitter” is a glamorous accessory.
The cats work tirelessly to ensure their fur is included in every aspect of your life.
- Sticky rollers are merely a temporary suggestion.
- Black clothing is considered a personal challenge.
- Cat hair will somehow appear on brand new clothes before they even enter the house.
Resistance is futile. Acceptance is easier.
Rule #9: Any visible portion of the food bowl means the bowl is empty.
If even a single section of the bottom of the bowl is visible, the cats are clearly starving.
- This remains true even when multiple full bowls are sitting directly beside it.
- Food touching the edges instead of the center is apparently unacceptable.
- Failure to immediately refill the bowl will be treated as evidence that the cats are unloved and abandoned.
Complaints will be filed loudly and without delay.
Rule #10: Visitors are expected to like cats.
This is the cats’ house. Visitors are merely temporary guests.
- Anyone claiming to “not be a cat person” will immediately be assigned a cat.
- Allergies will be addressed through exposure therapy, antihistamines, or acceptance.
- If someone in the house is uncomfortable, the visitors are the ones expected to leave.
The cats live here. Everyone else is on probation.
Including us.
We may pay the mortgage and buy the food, but our role is clear.
We are their servants.
This is their house.
They allow us to live here.