Allogrooming, a social grooming behavior between members of the same species, is very common in cats. Grooming can be a sign of affection.
Or a sign of dominance.
For Callie, the species designation is not particularly important. This social grooming behavior applies to her chosen human as well.
Does she love him?
Or does she just want to outrank him?
We choose to believe it’s a sign of love.
Here she is, grooming her Daddy from her perch.
On his head.
This is not a one-time event. Given the choice, she will happily perch on his hat. Or directly on his head. It’s a little harder now than it was when she was a kitten—there’s simply more of her these days—but she still tries.
And succeeds more often than you’d expect.
The princess needs her bath
Callie also expects Dad to reciprocate this grooming arrangement.
She enjoys bath time.
Not actual baths, mind you. That would be ridiculous.
Instead, she stands on the edge of the bathroom sink and screams until Dad arrives to supervise her spa treatment.
Sometimes she waits patiently.
Sometimes she sits in the sink.
As it fills with water.
Because apparently this is normal behavior for a cat.
We’ve stopped questioning it.
At this point, we’ve accepted that Callie has her own set of rules. Dad is responsible for grooming. Callie is responsible for grooming Dad. Running water is required for proper bathing procedures.
And baseball caps are simply elevated grooming stations.
We’re not entirely sure whether she’s expressing affection or asserting authority.
Sliding glass doors and shower doors are considered deeply offensive.
Mournful crying will continue until the barrier is removed.
You have been warned.
Rule #4: If it might be food, it will be investigated.
Bug takes food safety very seriously.
He always knows when someone is eating.
He always knows where the food is located.
He would like to formally inspect your ice cream.
This inspection is not optional.
Rule #5: Electronics may not be used when a cat requires attention.
Cats believe screens exist solely to interfere with petting.
Cat paws work surprisingly well on touchscreens.
Laptops become significantly less functional with a cat standing on the keyboard.
Failure to provide adequate attention may result in hand swipes, aggressive headbutts, or a cat physically inserting themselves between you and the screen.
Rule #6: Mom and Dad must be chaperoned at all times.
The cats believe unsupervised human interaction is suspicious.
Romeo will position himself directly between Mom and Dad on the couch.
Callie lies across Dad’s chest at bedtime to prevent unauthorized rolling toward Mom.
Comet immediately claims his “prince pillow” beside Mom and pins at least one arm in place to restrict movement.
The chaperone policy is strictly enforced.
Rule #7: Sleeping cats may not be moved.
If a cat chooses you as a bed, you are legally required to remain in place until further notice.
Shifting position is strongly discouraged.
Disturbing the cat may result in judgment, complaints, or immediate abandonment.
“Purralysis” can only be cured when the cat decides the cuddle session has concluded.
Human discomfort is not considered relevant.
Rule #8: “Kitty glitter” is a glamorous accessory.
The cats work tirelessly to ensure their fur is included in every aspect of your life.
Sticky rollers are merely a temporary suggestion.
Black clothing is considered a personal challenge.
Cat hair will somehow appear on brand new clothes before they even enter the house.
Resistance is futile. Acceptance is easier.
Rule #9: Any visible portion of the food bowl means the bowl is empty.
If even a single section of the bottom of the bowl is visible, the cats are clearly starving.
This remains true even when multiple full bowls are sitting directly beside it.
Food touching the edges instead of the center is apparently unacceptable.
Failure to immediately refill the bowl will be treated as evidence that the cats are unloved and abandoned.
Complaints will be filed loudly and without delay.
Rule #10: Visitors are expected to like cats.
This is the cats’ house. Visitors are merely temporary guests.
Anyone claiming to “not be a cat person” will immediately be assigned a cat.
Allergies will be addressed through exposure therapy, antihistamines, or acceptance.
If someone in the house is uncomfortable, the visitors are the ones expected to leave.
The cats live here. Everyone else is on probation.
Including us.
We may pay the mortgage and buy the food, but our role is clear.
